Friday, 25 March 2016

8: letter to God

Dear God,

I know that I don’t have a good past karma but why does what goes around comes around? I am not a person who would have knowledge of how you make this world work but I am just a tiny human being who doesn’t understands it all and make silly to big mistakes at times. But I love the little game you call the world. It is mesmerizing. For someone like me it is not very best. There are so many struggles for me but I still like being part of this. Thank you for this beautiful world.

 I am taking my first step after a touchdown gone bad at Philippines. I will be going to Dharamsala to study Tibetan Buddhism philosophy for 1 month and I would extend my stay there if I enjoy it. This is just the first step to get accustomed to the normal world around me and eventually I dream this step would grow in a bigger life decision regarding my goal to be able to teach yoga. I have a rough idea about how I would like to proceed.

 For now give me strength and courage to choose the simple thing and right thing for me. This time I am set out to change my patterns. I hope with your blessing, I will be able to make it this 1 month. Please give me enough wisdom to make kind decisions everyday and to choose my friends wisely. Please give me enough to eat and to distribute too. Save me from gluttony and overspending. May I lead a simple and kind life.

Monday, 14 March 2016

7: soul talk

Why is it that even the small things bother some people so much. We used to call this nature of the person as a sensitive nature but then after listening to Brahmakumaris I realized that this is not the sensitive nature of soul but this happens because the soul is weak. The soul has been through such a long journey changing the body everytime that now it has become weak and it can not tolerate small things.

Soul (well me!) get hurts with small negative reactions of people. Even when someone doesn't reply to my message it hurts me or i should say it hurts my ego. Why it is important for us to have things our way? What if the other person is not just in mood to reply back. Why a small thing becomes a big issue in the mind.

It's not just about that one thing. It's about how everyone is busy trying to save themselves and here some of us expect other people to save us. A person could be a weak soul and be sad and cry. But for how long? there are going to be so many negative experiences in the life, my dear. Are we just gonna sob over them and fall into depression some day or realize that ego isn't bigger than the soul and admit we are weak and thus we need to charge ourselves up (with yoga) and accept unconditionally whatever life has to offer us.

Sunday, 13 March 2016

6: differences

Today was an average day like any other day. The girls came in the evening and brought their little brother along. He wouldn't let the girls study properly. I told them not to bring him to the class but inside i was wondering how difficult it would be for a 5 year old to take care of 1 year old baby while the mother is house keeper at some house.

Sometimes, it does hurt to see all the differences created in the society. How human being can be so heartless? It was just earlier today that i was discussing with Cherry that how people blindly ignore the goodness in people around them and look down upon them based on caste, creed, color and sex. Every person no matter how rich or poor is living his/her destiny. it has got nothing to do with how we treat the other person. Nothing gives anyone a right to downgrade someone. But this world is made up of many colors. what can be said or done.

On the other note, the weather is not being nice to people. Well, i love the rain and thunder but mom says that if it didn't stop raining then it will be harmful for the crops. It should be full summer by now but weather is being weird.


Saturday, 12 March 2016

5: I wish

I wish my language was as easy as my choice of simple words.
I wish i wouldn't delete half a page of post.
I wish i didn't make that post about patterns of my life.
I wish the patterns of my life weren't so fucked up.
I wish the fucked up was never a word in my vocabulary.
I wish my vocabulary was a place to write only sweet thoughts and memories.
I wish my memories consisted of all things nice.
I wish nice would be tomorrow's weather like its today.
I wish today is where I always live and not past or future.
I wish that any step i take in future will lead me to a better self discovery.

But wishes are just wishes. I strongly believe that everything happens in our life is God's will. Everything is predestined with a little choice in human hand about how they want to work towards their evolution.

Thursday, 10 March 2016


The girls are naughty. It's their third day that i have been teaching them but they are always in a playful mood. That doesn't mean they are not interested in learning. They are always excited to study new things. Ruby is 5 and Zuby is 3. Both come from an underprivileged Muslim family. Few days back my mom had an idea in her mind that since i don't do anything all day long, I can teach kids like that. I liked the idea because that is a kind of social service too. In the beginning, i was hesitant because i was new at it but then so were the girls. So, with different tasks and challenges everyday three of us enjoy the class.

I read Osho magazine and i really liked few things i read in it which i would like to share here:

  1. We should keep our expectations to zero. When there are no expectations life become better than the best. It said that do not expect the good, do not be greedy towards anything. Do not expect anything to happen or anyone to act according to you. Be present, watch your mind and see that for an hour and you will feel happy and free. When you are able to do this for one hour then try doing it for 24 hours.
  2. The past is like an unwanted invisible burden on your head. You can not go in the past. You can not relive the good times or the bad times so it is a waste to spend the energy to want to experience the past. Be aware of it and put that burden down . You will feel very light and you will feel good.
  3. Don't look out for security. We humans are always looking for security. Our reputation in the society, the house, the car, the right job etc. When you let go of security , everything become yours, every joy become yours in life. When you let go of security, all your tensions will go away because you will not have a measurement of any materialistic thing and it will keep your desire to the minimal.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016

3: Love of books

A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one.

Reading has been a hobby of mine which I developed in college. I studied in a school where English wasn’t given much importance and no one promoted reading among the students. One of my cousins worked in a book store and Ajay bhaiya told me that books are the best friend anyone can have and that a person would never feel lonely if he has the company of right books. Hence started my unending love of books. My goodreads account says that I have read about 40 books till now.

Why I choose to write about my love of books is because for the past few months I haven’t been feeling the right emotions to read any book at all. I tried reading different genres but it didn’t work. I just couldn’t sit in one place and enjoy reading. Blame it on the depression I stopped enjoying certain things.

I continued reading autobiography of Adolf Hitler. I have read half of it earlier. I started reading just for the sake of developing my hobby of reading again. It is also better than what my doctor tells me to watch daily serials on TV. There is something about Indian TV shows that I can’t tolerate.

I read most of the autobiography in 2014, I think so I don’t really remember whole of it but what I liked about it was Hitler’s passion for politics and how from very beginning he had every little detail planned out in his mind. Most of the book is filled with the political issues. I’ve not been interested in politics so I decided that now I have read the part 1 of the book and I will keep it to that.

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Chapter 2: Misc.

My Shivratri celebration has been good. I meditated on sadguru’s words and though it didn’t help me reach the higher levels, my body felt elevated. I was satisfied with my experience. Mom cooked potato paneer for the dinner which was absolutely fabulous. Thanks to her for being amazing cook sometimes.

I watched a (not so old) movie Iron Man 2 today. I liked Robert Downy Jr. in the movie. I think it’s after a long time that I liked someone of opposite sex. For a long time now I have forgotten what infatuation feels like but it needs some other post to describe it. I was moving a lot between the movie. I was watering the plants and hence I was out in the garden a lot.

It’s the beginning of the summer now, I think. All the full sleeves clothes go in the box and now it’s time for beautiful dresses again. Haha, who am I kidding? I am in a city where wearing dress could encourage boys for cat calling. My statement could be wrong because in a way dress has nothing to do with this kind of behavior in men but it also depends on place to place. Anyways, I have already decided to keep it simple and wear traditional suits this season. Gone are the days when I used to buy everything branded and in style. There is no part of me that wants to live that crazy city girl life again.

I leave with the quote by Nellie Bly :

Energy rightly applied and directed will accomplish anything.